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sarah
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| Joined: | Tuesday Dec 21st, 2004 |
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Posted: Thursday Dec 30th, 2004 06:11 PM |
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| I am a female whose fiance does use porn on occassion. I am not sure how often or if he has an addiction. At times when we have not had sex often enough I begin to feel self-doubt and wonder if he is seeking gratification through porn. That is when it is a problem. Otherwise I don't see it as one. If we are having sex and he wants that on the side it doesn't really bother me. In a perfect world I'd rather he didn't do it but I guess I understand that sometimes people -- women included -- just need a release that is based on fantasy and doesn't involve another person's needs. I don't think it belittles the other person or means the other person is not wanted or needed. It's just a release. Again, I would say that it porn is a major problem if the porn replaces real sex or if the other person is feeling like the sex they do have is just an act with no real involvement or connection.
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bcatt
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Posted: Wednesday Oct 13th, 2004 12:00 AM |
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Remember, girls: we have been "owned" and abused by men for hundreds and hundreds of years - since the beginning of time. We have been their "property" for so long that it is going to take a long time to correct that notion so that we are seen as the unique, equal, individual human beings that we are.
The women's liberation movement only happened, what? - 35-45 years ago? We are still in the process of convincing ourselves that we deserve to be treated as equals (look back at your posts, and at other topics, too-it is an ongoing theme that the women are far too quick to take responsibility for their men's shortcomings, or make justifications for them).
On the surface of our society, it appears as though we have acheived this equality - in the workforce and such - but women still often feel the need to have to use their bodies to get anywhere, or they are told or forced to do this, and often, the positions highest on the ladder are still secretly reserved for men.
As a society, men have not yet accepted the fact that women are people in their own right, and not just sexual objects there to provide them with their every sexual desire and fantasy - hence, porn.
Yes, ladies - you should feel angry, disappointed, and whatever else you happen to feel if your guy views porn - heck, even if your plutonic friend does - because it is buying into, contributing to, promoting and perpetuating the notion that we are only sexual objects.
There is another side to this also: women who develop porn addictions. This, I believe, is the classic case of identifying with the abuser in order to try to understand the abuse. It is a strike back. I don't think it's any more ok than men viewing porn, but I wanted to point it out because porn viewing follows in the same cyclical patterns as every other kind of abuse. (Someone who was beaten by one of their parents may have hated it, but is at risk of beating their own children or spouse because they want so bad to understand why they were beaten - best way to understand it is to take the role on yourself (mind you,this is an unconscious process)).
Bottom line is...Porn in general is woman abuse, porn being viewed by your partner is spousal/sexual abuse, and could also be considered a form of cheating.
Ladies, don't take this lying down! (pun intended)
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booboo2
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| Joined: | Monday Jun 14th, 2004 |
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Posted: Tuesday Jun 15th, 2004 04:20 PM |
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| Thanks for the Reply SB - yeah Porn is bad - it just makes women married to guys who look at it feel bad - and in a way - they can CHEAT on us without really doing it. I don't know what I'm going to yet.... He apologized last night and said he wouldn't do it again - but how am I to believe THAT? He can do anything he wants when I"m not around.. Oh well - gotta go for now. Thanks again!
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booboo2
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Posted: Tuesday Jun 15th, 2004 04:16 PM |
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| Thanks so much for your reply - I told him that I couldn't compete with the girls on line too. He said he liked to look at beautiful women(very matter of factly) and I was beautiful too - he's lying - I know I'm not. Anyway, yesterday when he came home from work he apologized and said he would do it anymore if it upset me...... so he can say that - of course I won't really beleive it - any time I'm away he can do what he wants to.... I'll just say I'm disappointed - I've been looking at him through rose colored glasses all this time since we've been dating / together. I wished I'd never found out. I'm going to have to think on it some more - I'm thinking all guys are like this - Like to look at porn - they just don't like to admit it. Gotta go - bye for now and thanks again for the reply - nice to know there are others out there.
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SB
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| Joined: | Saturday May 1st, 2004 |
| Location: | Gadsden, Alabama USA |
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Posted: Tuesday Jun 15th, 2004 03:01 PM |
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Hey booboo2,
I would have to agree with drg41. My husband and myself have been married for 6 years. He has had three affairs on me, all of which I found out about a year ago. Looking back the infidelity didn't start out right. I always caught him looking at porn and then there was a discrepency that I could never prove. I really feel that if he had not been looking at porn and psychologically degrading women and sex that he would have never hurt me this way. What drg41 said about men seperating sex and emotions really hit home for me. Although men seem to be able to do this they can not seperate the hormones that are produced while viewing porn. This can have a very negative effect on their lives. It did on mine. When someone looks at porn hormones are produced that create a feeling of ecstasy. Therefore they are in some degree getting a high from viewing this. If they are doing it on the sly the feeling heightens and like any drug they have to continually view more and more and sometimes harder and harder core porn to receive the desired effect. A lot of the time this leads to certain undesired sexual fetishes. The sad part is that those who view porn and some counselors like the one that drg41 went to don't see anything wrong with this. They think it hurts no one. But it does it hurts everyone involved. You, me, drg41, my kids, the viewer and those who make the films. ABC had a special on Primetime that really showed this fact. Women are roped into these films, told they are going to perform one way and then when they arrive are asked to do something way over the edge that is totally unnatural. (one woman was asked to have triple penetration. that's right, three men at one time. two in her vagina and one in her anus. ) when some of these women try to back out they are pressured, guilted and offered more money. Some strong ones can leave but legally an 18 year old can make these movies and most 18 year olds are not that strong. Women are degrated in porn and it hurts us all because of that. I hope that you are able to work this out.
SB
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drg41
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| Joined: | Sunday Jun 13th, 2004 |
| Location: | Wichita, Kansas USA |
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Posted: Tuesday Jun 15th, 2004 03:57 AM |
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Hi booboo2,
I know what you mean. I don't think a lot of men understand the way we need to feel special to them. I don't think they understand how women equate sex with emotion and don't separate them.
I too have suffered a lot of ill feelings and been very uncomfortable with my partners veiwing of porn. One counseler said that as long as it is not taking the place of sex with me that it is not a problem. I DISAGREE. It still generates a lot of selfdoubt and a certian feelings of betrayel in me. For starters, There Is NO way I can compete with young girls and airbrushing and I wouldn't want to be used in the way they are either. Their is no mutual respect or consideration for the girls they're veiwing, they are nothing more than tools to be used. I believe [or fear] that it has an effect on how men veiw women. I believe it leads to wrong ideas and additudes towards women and in extreme cases, can even lead to men who would rather have the fantasy. It's easier. They don't have to live up to anyones expectations or deal with anyones feelings. They reduce it to a biologic function instead of a beautiful union between to loving partners.
maybe there is a moderation rule or something. I am bias though since I have experienced both sides. I had a wonderful lover who didn't veiw porn and I was neglected for 8 years in a 10 year travesty of a marriage having masturbation to magazines chosen over me. That extreme can be very destructive to the other partner. I guess you have to determine for yourself if you are feeling replaced or in competition. I don't know. I am very anxious to hear what the DR. has to say about it, him being a straight male and all. Perhaps we can get another perspective that may help us understand and aviod our hurt feelings.
I also am anxious to know if there are many other women out there that have a problem with there partners oggling other girls and having fantasy sex with them instead of you. I'm no Dr. but I can tell you for a fact. It has been a big problem for me.
I'm really not qualified to advise you or anything, I guess I just wanted to let you know that I understand exactly how you feel and sympathize. I am also glad to know that I am not the only woman that is being affected negatively by their man using porn.
best wishes to you, I hope we can get some answers or help or understanding or whatever we need soon.
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booboo2
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| Joined: | Monday Jun 14th, 2004 |
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Posted: Monday Jun 14th, 2004 06:15 PM |
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| Hello - I'm a little freaked out now - I walked in on my fiance looking at online porn. He said 'Old habits" are hard to break.... All of a sudden I don't feel the same about him - I told him it is a total turn off for me and my attraction to him. Now what. We are living together - haven't set a marriage date - I don't know what to do. Everything has been really great until now.... I'm 46 he's 51 we have both been married before. I don't think I can take another relationship loss.
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