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Dr. Don Fava
Administrator Diver
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Posted: Saturday May 8th, 2004 08:57 PM |
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Silly
You know how the rule works.......no relationships in early recovery.....they complicate the picture as you well know. Neither of you have been able to maintain a good period of being clean. And, each of you see the other as the reason for picking-up again. Best advice I can give, given the relapse proclivity, is get a sponsor and talk these things through with someone who has many years of recovery.....Same for him.....this way you both improve yourselves and work toward a goal of living a clean life together. This is the test of sincerity on both your parts....
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sillyg
Member
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Posted: Thursday May 6th, 2004 10:05 AM |
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This has been since last August that he has come home He has been trying to work this out and I have not been honest as I should have been. I would associate with friend i met through man 2 and not disclose the information to him.Because this goes against his wishes. I said I would stop seeing them and I didn't . I have been wrong in letting him feel I didn't care if he left when I really care very much. I am the cause for his relapse or rather helped it happen.At this time he is back in the program and they are more determined to convince him I'm his problem,because It appears as if I may be a contributing factor.Just I have been through so much .We both have fought to keep this relationship together, And the ring he keeps it with him.Times he leaves it at home I put it on and admire it but he feels I have left alot of questions unanswered and says I need to give him closure on some issues.I have explained my reasons and don't know what I need to do to help him put the past behind us we have both hurt the other. But we are seeking to reconcile not part our seperate ways. I don't know how to secure his feelings I guess. I'm not sure.
About earning the ring he wants me to behave as a respectable woman .I have done some less than lady like actions.He thinks I'm not ready to committ.That I don't know what I want because I keep holding on to my relationship with man 2 people where It must look like I am trying to keep my ties to him..There was alot that I have left out I'm thinking I am in need of therapy or counseling to help me just get this whole mess where I can move past all this b.s .It goes way deeper than this can you tell me what steps I should take in order to do this.There has been more than this lady to try and come between us.He moved home and was home it has only been since he feels I am keeping more from him that he has been gone.When I say moving out I mean he says he's going to but he just packs his things and says he is leaving.He brought his things home since the time he was gone a few days. But I have been
angry and adding to the problems with my attitude. I believe in the smoke and mirrors too I have been telling him He is doing just as you thought by his behavior.This is something a woman knows. I may look to be taking the bait but I am just allowing what is happening ,Because he has been telling me how I've been making him feel. And I' havent really resolved any issues still hurting him. I am stubborn and it is one of my strongest charachter traits .I feel as if I am rambling now and I know you have other posts to read and reply to. I would appreciate any further insights. This man is everything I ever wanted in my life and I waas a fool to leave.
He is only violent when he is using drugs.I know we can make it past this if we knew how tho deal with the situation properly. Letting go is not an option for me.
I have lost 1 prior relationship that lasted 9 years. It devestaed me I am only 29 and I have the man I looked for my whole life. Thats why letting go is not an option I cant see myself loving or wanting to love anyone else.
 Thanks ,Sillyg
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sillyg
Member
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Posted: Thursday May 6th, 2004 09:20 AM |
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Thank you and yes this a little twisted .Man 1 and Man 2 are just the way you stated.Man 1 just came out of Re-hab,We are both addictsI am functioning he is not but he came out of a 28 day program a new man .While in this program I had continued to use up until the day he came home and because of the change I quit cold turkey too.This lasted nine days out here on the streets.They tried to convince him to leave me I am his problem, change the person he is with instead of relizing they should maybe try to encourage him or me that it would be both our best interests if I admitted myself also and were to seek treatment while he was in treatment. He wanted me to go in as soon as he came out but I was just promoted at my job, and There was no way I was going to be able to ask for the next 28 days off.He came out worked at the same place of employment while trying to complete his court ordered after care out patient treatment. There was an incident at work I was the manager in charge and It is a blessing I was not fired . I used it as an excuse to use.He used my use as an excuse to use and things became abusive again. The 9 days were the happiest we both have ever been. I tried to be assessed for treatment but I work grave yard and I was needed to be there earluy only apponitments for 6 assessments a day, first come first serve. Court orders have priority as oppossed to those who are not in trouble with the law. It would have been easier for me to actually be seen If I was court orderd . I was the one who picked out the ring I meant he took me to pick the one i wanted and he paid for it.
I will continue by another post. I am out of space
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Dr. Don Fava
Administrator Diver
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Posted: Thursday May 6th, 2004 02:13 AM |
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Silly
No need to redo, you did the right thing....so thanks.....I wish all could be as responsible as you....
Now, this situation got me totally confused.....so it has to have you pretty twisted too.... If I got it right, man 1, who was doing time, is the man who has the ring. Man 2, who also did time, is out of the picture. It really doesn't matter as far as the ring is concerned. But, in my head I like to know who I am talking about and who you are talking about. If I got it backwards let me know....but I doubt it will change the picture. The guy with the ring, who keeps moving in and out, taking pictures etc. is up to something that you are not aware of. That is my take on the behavior he is displaying. Now, I do not want to bum you out, but my gut is telling me he is messing with the woman and using the BS about your behavior to cover his butt...keep you in the dark.......play smoke and mirrors......You seem to be taking the bait too. Earn the ring???? what is that supposed to mean.....does he give a report card? Do you have a check sheet? I wonder where the ring is at this moment?
No one in this whole story seems to have their stuff together. In out, together apart, man.....what a mess. Abuse, no abuse, then abuse again....Bad. In no way should you be with someone who had done time and is abusing you. It will only get worse...No way will it get better. Why the abuse? Well you said he needs to control you. I guess a beating now and then will help with control. Bad. Not something you want to commit to for the rest of your life. We know abusive men continue to abuse,,in spite of what they say,,,,they keep doing it.....The real thing here is that after doing time, you would think the guy would have learned something.....especially about being abusive.....it can lead to more time.....but no way....still doing it....And, if I heard right, YOU bought the ring.....true or false???? If you bought it, then why don't you have it.
Advice,,,as you can see, I am confused on this whole thing....But, if you want to know about the ring...here is my advice. Get it, and wear it on the other hand....Then, let go....its a dead end...
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sillyg
Member
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Posted: Wednesday May 5th, 2004 10:42 AM |
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Dr. Don Fava
Administrator Diver
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Posted: Monday May 3rd, 2004 02:01 PM |
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Silly g
You are a silly g.....You did not finish registration, AND, did not read instructions as you are supposed to. Legally, this is required. It takes 3 minutes of your time. I spend up to 45 min answering your question. Is it fair you put me in a legal bind by not paying attention to instructions for "3 minutes" when I give your 45 min........
I will make it easy. Just go to your account and fill in state city and country. You can get to your account by 1st logging in, and then clicking the "My Account" button on top of the page....rt. side. Your account has tabs in it. Use the profile tab.
Then go to http://www.better-answers.com/termsofserv.html breeze through and at the bottom check the box and click submit. It will put you in the database, and bring you to the first page of this domain. Then click one of the links to either come here or go visit another page........three minutes work......legal stuff........my attorney says must do....so.....must do...... Sorry for the hassle....... You have 48 hours to complete this or webmaster will zap it.........
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sillyg
Member
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Posted: Sunday May 2nd, 2004 12:30 PM |
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 I have been with my fiance for 5 years ,We were having problems in the beginning and the relationship became abuse.I was raising his 3 yr. son and because of the attachment I wouldn't leave the man.He was sent to prison for 2 years.I waited for him with 1 infedility,1 night .This man went to prison too.I began talking to that man for 2 months on a daily basis and became attached .He told me I shouldn't let him hit me .I didn't deserve it .My self esteem I had gotten back.Once my fiance was released I could not keep this from him .I expressed my feelings for this other man.My fiance said we cccould work through it but was very unforgiving was always throwing it in my face.He was sent back to prison.I was angry at how he was treating me after saying we could work things out ,and not meaning it.I left him for this man never sent him aletter and was haappy with my choice until 9 mo. later 2 months after new mans release.The relationship was wonderful but although he claimed to want to marry me,we moved to his home state and i soon relized that was untrue.2 months after leaving my fiance.I returned and went looking for him.
The pain in my leaving caused him to view me differently.He said he wanted to come home but was involved and living with another woman he had been sleeping with.The day he was suppossed to come home he backed out from fear he says but
I tried to work around this .I found I wanted to see him every day spend time with him,but he was too buisy .As soon as he relizes he cannot trust this woman he decides to come home.The ex had returned to my home state to my suprise
As I tried to remain his friend I found I couldn't.My fiancee stii contacted this woman so I felt I could still see ex as"FRIENDS"
My fiance was starting to become abusive again and I ran to this other man.Of course i could not keep this from him.This man I love more than anything.But although I have cut off communication with this man. My man isn't happy .He bought me an engagement ring I picked out paid for it and it was a little big I bought a spacer so I could wear it and he is witholding it until I have earned it in his eyes.
I feel hurt and believe if he really wanted to marry me the ring would be on my finger and not in a box.And that he is knowing how badly I want to be married to him and using it as a means of trying to control me.We are having problems.He left for a couple of days .He came back home but when he moved his belongings he took back every item he had ever bought me pictures of him everything. It has been him home with only his things for 1-2 days aand he's moving his stuff again .We both love each other and I caannot convince him that I love him and that I would never cheat on him again what would be the point in wearing this ring.Please help me
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